Stress Break: Teacher Humor

I thought it was time to breathe, relax, and take a laugh break (from Jokes Only Teachers Understand):
TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
_______________________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile?”

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

JOHN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
__________________________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
___________________________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!
__________________________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!
_________________________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

ELLEN: I is…

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”

ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
_________________________

TEACHER: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”

JOHNNY: “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
_________________________

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

JOHNNY: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
_______________________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
________________________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!
________________________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.
________________________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
_________________________
Sourced from Inspiring Teachers http://www.inspiringteachers.com/index.html

Wanted: Encouragement

Checking the statistics of this blog, one of the top hits are the tags on encouragement. Statistically speaking, that must be a big need of all of us. Who doesn’t want to feel a part of a group, to feel needed, to feel that boost during stressful times?

While sitting at the lunch table today, a colleague leaned over, shock registered on her face, and gasped, “Did you hear that has been shooting at [the high school two blocks from where we sat]?!?” One of the adults leaped from the table to rush to the school to check on the health of her daughter. We can think of Columbine, but “it” will never happen near us. My first thought was, “What brings somebody THAT much pain that they must make others hurt as much?” What if we (schools) could intervene somehow before it comes to this?

It hit home for me, for I was a bullied and miserable kid in school. School equaled pain. The happiest day in my eighteen years was the day that I graduated from high school. Life began when I walked out those doors the last time. How often I walked the halls just wanting to belong. The worst day, I remember, was the time the PE teacher had everyone pick teams and I was the last one picked. Standing there, humiliated, and the two captains said with others laughing, “Well, I sure don’t want him!” The teacher then said, “OK, boy–why not start walking and get as far away from the baseball field as you can get!” Last summer I was able to bury some axes and forgive, but not everyone is able to. What can teachers do to make their classrooms havens of safety? I saw one study on line that has good and strong advice:

Schools and programs that embody an encouraging attitude follow six practices (Carlson, Sperry, & Dinkmeyer, 1992). Such programs:
• Make relationships a priority;
• Conduct respectful dialogue;
• Practice encouragement daily;
• Make decisions through shared involvement (classroom meetings);
• Resolve conflicts;
• Have fun on a regular basis.

Note the last line: have fun on a regular basis. Although technology can’t be used all the time, I know, it can be used effectively as a resource to review for upcoming SOL tests. It can give that shy kid a chance to interact with the lesson by texting answers on the ActivExpressions or ActiVotes. The student, ready to lose his mind over a boring video or worksheet, can help design his learning with activities such as a Learning Menu, producing a video, working on a class Wiki, or other sundry activities that meets his needs (differentiated instruction!). He can get a different slant on a lesson by spreading a blanket out on the lawn to study with a group of friends for an upcoming test. Imagine sitting out in the hallway or cafeteria for class just for something different. Discuss rhythm in a poem by banging a beat on the desks in the room. Coteach with another teacher and have FUN with the lesson.

What made the Ron Clarks of teaching stand out? Each one of the above.

I doubt that at my funeral, should any former students speak, that they will speak in wistful tones of, “I’ll never forget the difference he made in my life by teaching me test taking strategies!” or “My life was never the same after I realized that the an adverb answers why or how!!!” They’ll remember the steps suggested above.

Why not end on a laugh? Have you seen what people are like after getting their wisdom teeth taken out? Youtube’s Funniest Anesthesia Videos or Hiccups lead to laughing fit

Funny Friday

Benchmarks are over! Yea! Time for a chuckle:

What Children Have Learned:

–No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

–When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

–If your brother hits you, don’t hit him back. They always catch the second person.

–Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

–You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

–Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

–Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

-Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

–Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

–School lunches stick to the wall.

–You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Want some more laughs? Check the humor section in my previous post. Have a good weekend!

Friday Funny: Abbott and Costello Meet the 21st Century

Many thanks to Mrs. Rhodes for this one:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….

Friday Funnies on a Monday

Gooood Morning! It’s back to work! For those dragging, how about starting off with a laugh?

From an old email:

TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:

1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom…don’t disguise your voice!
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
6. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
7. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘To Go’.
8. Sing along at the opera.
9. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.
10. When the money comes out the ATM, scream ‘I won! I won!’
11. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling ‘Run for your lives! They’re loose!’
12. Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.’
_____
disclaimer: of course this is in jest; please do not scare people at the zoo or order your children out of your house!

Friday Funnies: How to Add Excitement to the Computer Lab

Need a laugh at the end of the week? We all need to lighten up and laugh, no matter the stress we’re experiencing!

Fun things to do in the Computer Lab Excerpts
==>Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my word! They”ve found me!” and bolt.
==>Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes. Then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
==>When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can”t get the thing to work. After it has been turned on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process.
==>Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
==>Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it”s set up with.
==>Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
==>Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
==>Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
==>Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
==>Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
=>Bring some dry ice. Make it look like your computer is smoking.
==>Attempt to eat your computer”s mouse.
==>Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
==>Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn”t work.
==>Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
__
Source: http://www.slinkycity.com/computer-lab.html Editor’s note: obviously this is posted for teacher humor; not meant to be used with your classrooms!!!

Friday Funny–Technology Repair form

As I sit on my patio on a rare Tidewater Virginia cool morning with low humidity and a gentle breeze, I am struggling to get motivated to finish my paper for Instructional Design, I needed a laugh to start the morning:

Computer Problem Report Form
Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
____
Source: (Warning: LOTS of pop ups!) http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=2110

Friday Funny: “I’ll be OK”

Got chocolate?

We all have our “crutches,” so to speak. Stressed? What do you reach for? Is it chocolate?

If you do, and have had some particularly stressful times lately, you’ll love this Chocumentary by Dove. Oh, and by the way, opinions are mine and not the school system’s, and I don’t work for Dove.